Attention Deficit Dating (ADD) & The Disposable Relationship
With so many online dating sites available to us, the act of dating has become a disposable event. We may be afraid to “settle” or feel like the act of dating is “too much work.” In turn, we are so quick to move on … it’s just a swipe away. Right? The problem is if you are constantly on the lookout for “better” and are not prepared for the work of a relationship, you may find yourself frustrated and alone wondering … “Is it me?” The following are 3 quick (but not necessarily easy) tips to stop the Attention Deficit Dating.
Tip 1: Have Solid Criteria
You wouldn’t believe how many people go out with someone based on looks alone and hope for the best. Don’t let attraction alone blind you. See a date as an investment. Develop 3-5 qualities that are must-haves and screen for these before the first date. For example, does this person have good relationships with his or her family members? Does this person speak nicely of his or her ex? Is his or her job and/or living arrangement a good fit for you?
Tip 2: Take Three
If the person meets your criteria and on date number one everything seems cool, but you “just-don’t-feel-it,” give the person 3 dates and make something enjoyable about him or her. When he hits your criteria but you just don’t “feel-it” but don’t know why, this could mean that you are valuing the “intensity level” of the relationship over the actual person. This is an important distinction to keep in mind if you do not want to make the same mistakes over and over again.
Tip 3: Have A True Sign-Off
If it ends up not being a good fit, don’t go all “radio-silent.” Actually tell the person something positive and constructive about them or the experience. For example:
“I like that you are passionate about your job, but honestly when you talk about your exes with disdain, it’s a real turn off. I think our personalities are just different. Take care.”
“I’m glad you get along with your ex-wife, it shows you are a nice guy, but I really don’t want to be around that. That’s just me. No hard feelings.”
Over time, “disappearing into the abyss” leads to a state of fear, hurt, doubt, and frustration. This openness brings “heart” back to dating by developing a respect and appreciate for the process and prevent dating burnout. You also may help someone or yourself from the feedback you give and receive.
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