Criticisms definitely impact relationships. Relationships tend to start out positively. What seems like dry humor in the beginning, overtime can end up being blatant sarcasm. The following are the 4 BIGGEST ways that criticisms sneak in and can take over YOUR relationships so you can be on guard to stop it before it becomes a pattern that takes over!!
The Changing of the Frame
Critical people rarely show all their cards up front. As they relax into the relationship the criticalness comes out more as they let their guards down. Sure nobody wants to be with a “Yes” person, but if you are a person who pride’s yourself on “Telling it as it is,” eventually the rose-colored glasses at the beginning of the relationship become quite dark and gloomy.
The critical person focuses on what’s wrong with the person or situation (perhaps with the good intention to fix it) but research shows this process only kills any enjoyment that is possible along the way. Good relationships come out of taking regular or subpar experiences and making them moments that bring us together. Make sure the ratio of compliments to criticisms is at LEAST 5-1!
Critical people make others feel as though nothing is good enough and puts them on a “lower pedestal.” You can’t have a partnership when there is a pedestal involved. This style has been shown to actually de-motivate people. Critical people have often internalized a negative voice from their past childhood and by habit are still living in that world – but they need to know they are more effective ways to live and aspire to have an experience good things. The partners of critical people overtime lose that soft vulnerable feeling from not being encouraged, validated, and unconditionally loved.
Critical people often have their priorities out of balance. They lose focus on issues and problems and have difficulty engaging in calm, relaxing moments when things are not “perfect.” When is anything perfect? … NEVER! This causes the relationship to be focused on making sure things are “right” as opposed to time together. Time is better spend balancing work, fun, and taking care of your self IMPERFECTLY.
The Benefit of the Doubt
Good couples can give each other a break, but critical people take things personal. It is hardly ever personal in a relationship. People often are simply well-intended and just doing what they know. The critical person unfortunately sees this as people being “dumb, selfish, rude.” etc.
This causes a wall between a couple. Time is better spent digging up your partner’s good intentions and sharing you feelings and intention and how there is a different frame happening around a given issue.
Having or Being a critical partner does not have to be a deal breaker. People CAN change if they can identify what they are doing and want to change.
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