Tinder, Coffee meets bagel, J Date, Match, eHarmony-the list goes on: numerous way to meet men, but how can we tell if they are truly “available?” His persistence and prowl mean he wants to date you – but not that he is free. Sure. No relationship is perfect, but who wants to fall in love to find he is actually obligated to another?
Married people who cheat have big relationship issues. Only their spouse typically hasn’t a clue to the extent. Most of these men had not grown up with parents who were “in-love.” As children, they learned that they must avoid problems at all costs. Or that they must secretly meet their own needs to not be “weak” by going without or settling for less. Regardless of his family experiences, there are four “types” of men that you need to be on the lookout for:
He is hard to resist. Mr. Charming is smart, fun, likeable, exciting, and should only be around such people (at least, this is what he tells himself)! Believing he deserves to have what he wants, He sees the affair as rewarding him for the special person he is. To accept less than what he wants would make him feel like a fool. He could be “fine” in his marriage yet still believe he should exercise his sexual prowess. Getting you means he’s still got it…until he gets you.
When trying to spot Mr. Charming, look to see, does he:
-Say he is busy with “children, work, or friends”?
– Lack real empathy when you’re let down but hard for you to stay angry?
– Focus on his own gratification?
– Have a big age gap over you?
– Spend money lavishly to impress?
– Find fault in others when problems occur?
Awwww. He comes across like a sweet lost puppy (yet he is not house trained). Mr. Lonely lacks emotional connection. He wants validation and attention from you. He may find his wife to be demanding, and has learned it is “safer” to avoid conflict at home. He is tired of his needs not mattering. Mr. Lonely has a history of putting others first and now has a strong need for appreciation…and this hasn’t been happening – maybe ever! He had enough of the short-end of the stick. Though he considers the pros and cons of staying in the marriage, he is more focused on healing his hurt by connecting with you.
When trying to spot Mr. Lonely, look to see, does he:
– Avoid expressing his needs and wants?
– Put others first, yet he is not happy about it?
– Make Passive aggressive comments or behaviors towards others?
– Over-works in order to stay away from home?
– Plays the “martyr” role to get sympathy from others?
Mr. Deprived a.k.a. “Randy”
Years of sexual frustration in Mr. Deprived’s relationship make him want to stray. Though he and his wife may be good friends, he’s in the midst of a sexual self-esteem crisis and believes sex with you is a key piece to happiness. He has sexual fantasies that he cannot share with his spouse because she is not open to it or may put him down.
Though there are aspects to his marriage that may work well, he feels a deep longing for this connection. His wife may experience low desire, pain during intercourse, difficulty achieving orgasm (which may lead him to feel like less of a man); or he may have married young and he now believes he has missed out. When trying to spot Mr. Deprived, look to see, does he:
– Distract himself with porn, drinking, or overworking.
– Become hyper focused on morals in order to minimize the importance of sex.
– Flirt around, making sexual jokes and comments.
– Exhibit jealousy or anger regarding other’s happiness
– Tell you how he wife does not like sex?
Mr. Ready is the rarest of these breeds and is so done. He wants to move on but it may or may not be with you. He has lost hope and does not expect loving feelings to return at home. Even if they could, he is spent and would not want them to! He has considered the financial and parenting losses that would incur and is at peace with them. There is no confusion here; he is entering into an action plan and moving on. He:
– at least has the documentation of filing to prove it!
– Take steps to handle assets to make sure he will be financially secure?
– Talk with his close friends and family about his plans and obtaining guidance and advice?
– Meet with an attorney and engaged in the divorce process by at least having filed?
– Go for counseling to sort out his feelings?
– Sleep in a separate bedroom when unable to live separately?
– Take clear steps to move out: apartment searching, etc.
There they are. Keep these men in mind the next time you are out on girl’s night, at the gym, or out to lunch with that potential work-husband. They lurk among you. So, take things slow, have enough trust so you can be open (not to push away a Mr. Ready) get to know him … and if it is too good to be true … maybe it is!
If you are dating someone that you are learning is “unavailable” read my book The Other Woman’s Affair – gambling your heart when your partner is married by Paul DePompo, PsyD, ABPP www.TheOtherWomansAffair.com