Why would someone choose to be a side-piece?

It sounds crazy … dating a married person. Still, it is increasingly becoming more common. Why is this the case? Psychologist, author, and researcher of “The Other Woman” speaks out:

They’ve been duped

There is often such a bias again the “other woman” when research shows they’ve often been duped by the true status of the person’s relationship. Also they become duped by the charm, loneliness, or sense of deprivation their partner has where the “other” believes they have actually met their soul mate and they will soon be free.

They Dupe Themselves

Sometimes someone who is a ‘side-piece’ thinks they can have it all without having to deal with vulnerable emotions, so they date the unavailable person. As time goes on, these characters can be so charming and make them feel they are ‘the one” and they actually dupe themselves as they fall in love.

It’s Ponzi Love

Believe it or not, the fact is these people often know they have pushed their boundaries or their morals and believe therefore ‘This Must Work Out!’ so they end up hanging in long past what is best for them because they do not want it to be all for nothing. The sad part is that in less than 10% of the time does it work out.

Why do people treat their side-pieces “extra” well?

The “side-piece “is an exciting fantasy where they positively distort the relationship allowing them to not be in reality. The showering with gifts and affections begets the admiration and or type of sex they desire without having to deal with a ‘real’ relationship. Infatuation in itself can just me a mental fantasy and in that way it is similar, but when you have gone far enough to have this person fall in love with you without your thinking ahead, that’s where the problems can begin.

Mate Poaching / Men and Women

Most men cheat with younger women. From an evolutionary standpoint they have an inherit desire to pass on their genetic code. Most women cheat after they have found their mates with an inherit drive to ensure the ‘strongest’ sperm. When they do cheat it is often with someone more financially stable. Both men and women can be seen as following an evolutionary drive that exists but is no longer needed in our society.

I agree that our society has become more accepting to different types of relationships, but  infidelity is still seen as a betrayal (which it is) and unfortunately the woman still gets the majority of the blame.

Why do they look outside for ‘side-pieces?’

Research has put it into 4 categories, 1) the person is actually ready to move on and is looking for a new partner (the rarest), 2) The person is high on narcissism and believes they deserve to have what they want, 3) the person is Lonely and is giving more than they are getting, and 4) they are Sexually Deprived in the relationship due to lack of previous partners, a partner that won’t engage in the kind of sex they want, or there is little to no sex at all.

What happens when people engage in an affair?

The brain feels similar as if it is high on drugs. Dopamine floods the brain, you believe this person can meet your needs, it difficult to see the negatives only the positives – you become irrational. For many, the ‘taboo’ of the relationship adds to the excitement because it is a secret. What ends up happening is that both parties overtime get faced with the reality in the fact there is no way to come out of this unscathed. Anxiety and depression is common over time.

What can we do?

If are involved in an infidelity and need help, email or call the experts at the Cognitive Therapy Institute of Southern California.

www.CBTIofSoCal.com 800.317.8010

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